Well, we’re tackling quite the topic today.
‘Should I tell my mom, dad, neighbors and grandma that I write smutty romance?’
Yes, that question.
I know some people find this easy. Maybe they even get support from their ninety year old grandma for their stories! Sadly, that isn’t the case for most of us. Oddly enough, in a generation where we’re all worried about being inclusive and accepting, romance authors tend to be some of the ones forgotten in the background. We keep that curtain firmly in place because of fear. Fear that people we know will find out, fear that we’ll be labeled, fear that people won’t accept us. There’s even fear that we could lose our job if our boss found out, or that our communities will shun us for what we choose to write about. Or, God forbid, even our families.
I always thought it was funny that sex was such a taboo subject for so many people. I mean, after all, there are very few things in life that are more human then that. Our psyche is literally wired for these things- food, shelter, safety, sex. No joke. Ask your friendly neighborhood psychologist.
Not that it matters, anyway.
I always knew growing up that physical intimacy was part of a healthy relationship. I mean, there’s even Christian romance where they talk about the ‘iffy’ subject. The only difference between one and the other is whether that door is open or closed. One could argue that you don’t need to figuratively see all that happens behind that door, and that’s fine. That’s why there are so many different types of romances; a little something to tickle everyone’s own preferences and desires. I chose to write romances that focus on reality. Humanity. I don’t see the difference between what happens behind that door and what happens when one of my characters have a mental breakdown. Intimacy, whether it’s physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, I want it all. I want every single part of a character, and no label of taboo will keep me from experiencing all of humanity. This is why I choose to read mostly romantic dramas and books of that sort. I generally write those types, too. I’ve never seen another genre that delves so deeply into what it means to be human. The strain depression takes on a character, and how that translates into their relationships, or how two characters can somehow find compromise when they come from two different cultures and have completely different expectations.
Sure, it can also just be an escape; something that makes you relax or laugh. I like romcoms too for that reason, especially when I’m dealing with deadlines and start to get stressed from things happening in my life.
I know I’m not talking about the subject of this post but bear with me. I’m getting to it.
Should you tell your friends, your pastor, your brother or sister, or anybody else that you write romances? Well, that comes down to you.
Personally, I come from a background where not only are romances taboo in general, but if it’s one of those bodice rippers, then basically you’re Satan.
I faced, and still do, the possibility of losing friends, acquaintances, family, and so on all because I do what I do. I face this on a daily basis when I chose to tell people what I do. But you know what? I tell them without shame.
I kept it a secret for a long time. I keep my mouth shut every time I published a book, every time I lost sleep and was stressed because being a self-published indie author is enough to make a person crazy. I kept my mouth closed each time I quietly celebrated with my husband for milestones I made. Each time my book sold in the beginning and sales were rare, or when I started bringing home a paycheck.
I did, and still do have a good relationship with my parents. It was weird for a little while, but it’s pretty good now, although we don’t talk about this part of my life for the most part.
When I came out to my parents (Not that kind of coming out, but man, it was still a coming out) and told them what I do and what I write, it was exactly what I expected. My Mom cried, my dad was disappointed, and basically I made a mockery of everything they ever taught me.
It was hard. I’m not going to pretend that it won’t be for a majority of people.
Obviously there are some authors out there that don’t have parents, or maybe their parents don’t care. Or maybe they’re cheered on by those people in their lives. The same principle goes for any of your loved ones. Family and friends included.
Most of my friends just pretty much ignore that part of my life and say ‘good job’ when I tell them about some success I had, but for the most part it’s something I’m ok shelving. There are some other friends that are my biggest cheerleaders and want to support me however they can.
Find those people in your life.
Nobody should have to feel ashamed for what they write. Even if you write the smuttiest erotica with no other point than sex, you should still be celebrated. Find those people in your life who will support you, and nourish those relationships.
If you want to ‘come out’ about the fact that you’re a romance author, then do it. You will likely be pleasantly surprised that the people who you thought wouldn’t understand will support you in ways you didn’t anticipate. Have I sacrificed relationships because of it? Yes. Of course I have. Does it make sense to me why people do what they do? No, but that’s not the point. People are allowed to feel how they want to feel, but that doesn’t mean you need to associate with them anymore.
Honestly, I’ve run into so many women who I’ve talked to and just blatantly answered them saying, ‘I’m an author. I write romances’ who have clapped and whispered that they love romances too. Women who never would have admitted it if I hadn’t first. Women who felt just as judged and were afraid of being subjugated because they like reading it.
What a stupid thing to have to be afraid of.
I’ve talked with author after author in this field who write under a pen name because they’re too afraid to tell people. People who are scared of the impact it will have on their lives because of the stigma romances carry in this world. Which is ridiculous. Most of us will agree with this.
If you want the stigma to change, then change it in yourself first. Lose the shame and find the reasons you’re proud of your work. If you can’t be proud of your work, then maybe you’re in the wrong field, my friend!
So yes, I’ve pulled back the curtain and I’ve shown my personal world both parts of me. I still choose to keep my two parts separate online because there are some crazy scary SOBs out there on the internet, but to the people who I love and trust, I choose not to lie by omission. And I encourage other authors to do the same. You may just be surprised that this world isn’t as unforgiving and stubborn as you thought. People are still human, and there might be bad moments accompanying the good ones. If that’s something you can’t handle, then maybe it’s not time for you yet. If it is, then do it. Not for them, but for you. You deserve more then lies, half truths, and silent moments when you should be celebrating with those that mean more to you than the world.
I really hope that this is helpful for you and that it can be a turning point in accepting yourself as an author.
Again, to those people who already have that acceptance, good for you! You are the kind of person who can be a support for those people who aren’t so lucky. After all, the romance community, even as cutthroat as it is, has some of the strongest support systems I’ve run into in the arts. We’re in this together, and nobody knows what you’re going through better then someone who’s going through it too. Because sometimes just a conversation can make all the difference.
